The Warriors of the Holy Canon is a chapter of space marines with members drafted from all across the different chapters. Striding onto the foe in blazing gold armor, the Warriors of the Holy Canon fight to stop the violation of Canon and the creation of bad Fanon.
However, the Warriors have a deep-seated shame. Unknown to the rest of the Imperium, the Warriors of the Holy Canon are locked in a constant fight with the Dark Lord, Matt Ward. The very existance of Matt Ward is a shame upon the 41st Millenia. As such, all weaponry used by the Warriors of the Holy Canon are blessed with writings of Good Writing.
The Praeceptor of the Warriors of the Holy Canon work furiously to make sure their brothers spell their oaths correctly. In battle, they shout hymns of The Old Canon, from the time when the Necrons were not decent people and the Grey Knights were not secretly dedicated to Khorne.
Specialised Librarians, the Antisicutcogitavit, translated to "Anti Just as Planned" use their tremendous powers to fight Just as Planned, such as placing psychic probes into the minds of the weaker minions of Tzeentch to see that it was not, in fact, just as planned. It is considered a major victory if the plan diverges only alittle from the original plan, as then, it is not Just as Planned but actually Kind of Like Planned, which is a victory in and of itself. If such evidence cannot be obtained, the Antisicutcogitavit just stand saying to the tzeentchian "Not just as planned" until the tzeentchian give up.
Watching from the background, the Troll Hunters seek out any Trolls that they find on the Internet and take them away, or anyone else who thinks it's clever to be an asshole. Clad in black power amour, modified to remain silent, they patrol the Internet, searching and punishing anyone who Trolls. Standard punishment is to surgically remove their fact and graft on a Troll face, but repeated offenses, or anyone who pisses them off enough, will receive far worse ........
Within the "Troll hunter" cadre within the Chapter, are a faction of the elite troll hunters, known as Venators. They take pleasure on counter-trolling trolls, fighting them with their own weapons, desacrating and fooling them until they are banished to the foul pits of which they came: /b/.
They are clad in ancient terminator armour gilded in the finest adamantum, weilding two-handed banhammers bathed in brilliant light as they advance forward.
- "YOU'RE* !!!!!!!!!"
- — A typical sprachlehrenazi warcry
(Meaning Grammar Nazi in a long-forgotten ancient Terran language), the Sprachlehrenazi are warriors who from part of the faction within the chapter dedicated to enforcing the finest use of grammar and spelling throughout the Wiki. They play out their mission with uncompromising ruthlessness, striking down the users of lesser dialect with an iron hand... and dictionary when on hand.
- "I am pretty sure this is not a progenoid gland. They resemble more like big beating clumps of flesh..."
"You mean a heart?"
"NO! Imbecile, a heart is the large sack of blood which you have behind your chest to provide a backup suply of blood"
"Isn't that the spleen?"
"Uh...I am surrounded by idiots..."
- —Apothecary Amaron and a fellow Warrior discussing anatomy in the heat of battle.
- "Yes, I did just appear in front of you, no, I will not take pity on the Troll, and yes, your punishment will be a million times worse than normal, you Ultraward Troll"
- —Occisor, on a good day
- "What is my best combat achievement? Well, possibly the time where I killed the annoying noob that keeps asking me annoying questions......"
- —Occisor, to a noob
Dorian Thunder-Spear is a veteran of the chapter, and the only known one with a halberd, although it has a shortened handle, so that it can be wielded as easily one-handed as two-handed. He is notorious for his warcry and general rage towards his foe, yet in near-perfect grammar, despite the rage. Dorian usually wears a helmet, but when not, he uses the powers of his beard to defeat his enemies. He also has a reserve power-sledgehammer, in case the halberd miraculously breaks through too much exposure to Wardliness and Just As Planned.
- "Fuck you, bitch!"
- —Dorian's signature phrase before impaling/decapitating an enemy.
- "DIE, MOTHERFUCKER, DIE, MOTHERFUCKER, DIE!!"
- —Dorian while stabbing a High School drop-out Chaos Marine to death
- —Dorian's notorious warcry
- "If you do not learn where to put apostrophes, I am personally gonna set your ass on fire and throw you into the pits of the Immaterium and then drag your scorched, daemon-infested body out of it and burn it even more, and then purge it beyond your wildest fantasies."
- —Dorian talking to yet another high-school dropout Chaos Marine.
- "BE BANISHED BACK TO THE PITS OF THE INTERNET! ....AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT: THEY'RE******!!!!!"
- —Illustris combating trollic kind
- "My ears...sweet merciful Emperor my ears. Why do they all have to yell?"
- —Solomus, referring to his fellow Warriors
The mighty star fortress Colossus XIII is the home of the Warriors of the Holy Canon. Boasting enough weaponry to fend off an entire fleet of foes, it also has specialized weapons to destroy plot armor and Bad-Writery, gifts often bestowed upon the servants of the Dark Lord Matt Ward.
MKX Power Armor
The Mark X is actually not a true set of Power Armor, but it is created so that every fibre in it is blessed to withstand Wardian powers as well as most, if not all, Just as Planned. Sadly, the whole withstanding Just as Planned often results in even more Just as Planned.
Canon Weapons replace the Power weapons in the Warriors of the Holy Canon. Blessed by the God Emperor and the Forces of Chaos, along with the Eldar Gods, Gork and Mork and the C'tan, the Canon Weapons work just as well as Power weapons, but do not run the risk of running out of juice.
Staff of the Antisicutcogitavit
The Staff of the Antisicutcogitavit is the most potent weapon against Just as Planned in existance, capable of completley robbing foes of the ability to go Just as Planned. However, since it is so hard to pronounce, not to mention write, Antisicutcogitavit, only the greatest of the Antisicutcogitavit is allowed to use it. And, since they are the greatest, they are never allowed into battle as they are to valuable, rendering the staff useless.
We really should have thought that through before implementing the rule.
The Crozius Canonicum is a relic Crozius Arcanum wielded by the Warriors Santiarch. It's swings create long arcs of golden flame, burning through even the thickest Plot armor. On anything not related to Matt Ward, it works like a normal Crozius.
The Tome consists of the pre-Matt Ward Codexes, as testament to what there used to be. The Grey Knights and Ultramarines have on many occasions tried to destroy it, but it is at all times guarded by several titans. That is how important it is.
Golden Statue of the Emperor
This Statue was actually stolen by the Inquisition from the Imperial Palace and replaced with a painted cardboard cutout. It resides in the Colossus' Reclusiam. As of this day, noone has noticed that the statue in the Imperial Palace is a cardboard cutout.