Narrator:"This is the story of the Chaos Lord Ulgrugamazekz the Almighty. A Chaos Lord of the Black Legion who gained his title by making it up. Our protagonist is about to go on a grand adventure after having been rebuked by his Legion."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Huh? Who the hell was talking just now? Come out and show yourself coward!"
Narrator:"I am the Narrator. I am here to help tell your story."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Oh. I see. Well just don't get in the way. Me and my Lieutenants, Rudi and Chet, have a lot of work ahead of us. Who does Abaddon think he is? Laughing me out of the room with the other Chaos Lords. We'll I'll show them. My Warband and I don't need the Black Legion. We'll bring this galaxy to its knees without them."
Rudi:"You said it boss! We'll show them all!"
Chet:"Yeah, whatever. Could we just get going already?"
Narrator:"Ahem. If I may continue with my job?"
Ulgrugamazekz:"Oh sure. You just go right on ahead. We have to start making preparations for my plans anyways."
Narrator:"Thank you. Now as I was saying, Ulgrugamazekz had a grand ambition. However it was too great to complete with his forces as they were. So he set out to strengthen himself for the terror he would cause the rest of the galaxy.(Yeah right!)"
Narrator:"As stated previously, though Ulgrugamazekz's Warband was filled with supposedly hardened warriors, he could not sow the terror he sought with them alone. And so it was that he sought to make allies to bolster his semi-formidable fighting force. A such he turned toward the other Traitor legions."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Damn straight! The Black Legion sucks. Besides me they are all just a bunch of elitist jerks. Hopefully the other guys will be more my style."
Chapter 1:Thousand Sons
Narrator:"So it was that Ulgrugamazekz went to the Planet of Sorcerers to recruit the fabled Thousand Sons, a Legion known for its powerful Sorcerers and cunning strategists."
Ulgrugamazekz:"So this is the Planet of Sorcerers? Cool! I can tell we are on the right track already."
Chet:"They sure like building obnoxiously tall towers, don't they?"
Ulgrugamazekz:"Shut up Chet! If you say that in front of the Sorcerer Lord we're meeting, I swear I will backhand the shit out of you!"
Aspiring Sorcerer:"Excuse me. Are you Lord Ulgrugamazekz? My Lord has been expecting you."
Rudi:"Holy Shit! We didn't even announce our arrival, and they were expecting us anyway. You're right boss, this does seem like the way to go."
Sorcerer Lord:"Welcome Lord Ulgrugamazekz. I have foreseen that you wish to have an alliance with me. Servants, fetch my new pawns-cough, I mean guests some refreshments."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Nice crib you got here. Though I'm kind of weirded out by those armor guys. Is standing around and staring all they do?"
Sorcerer Lord:"Unless I tell them to, yes. By the way, would you be interested in seeing my Brainwashing room?"
Ulgrugamazekz:"Why yes I wou- hey! Are you trying to turn me and my men into pawns? How dare you?! What's your name anyway?"
Ulgrugamazekz:"Funny name. Regardless, now that I know that you are trying to use me your plans will not work."
Supahbadmarine:"Perhaps. or perhaps you knowing about my plan is all part of my plan!"
Ulgrugamazekz:"Wha? Well maybe I have a plan to counter your plan."
Supahbadmarine:"Fool! Your counter-plan was part of my plan all along. Furthermore, me telling you about the plan was also part of the plan, as is your current confusion. Pawns say What."
Ulgrugamazekz:"What? Grrrrr. My head hurts. Thats it! We're leaving!"
As Ulgrugamazekz and his men turn to leave Supahbadmarine yells after them.
Supahbadmarine:"YOU ARE PLAYING RIGHT INTO OUR HANDS FOOLS!"
Aspiring Sorcerer:"Was them leaving really part of the plan sir?"
Supahbadmarine bows his head in shame.
Chapter 2:World Eaters
Narrator:"Ulgurgamazekz then left the Planet of the Sorcerers, confused and irritated. Having apparently failed to learn their lesson, Ulgrugamazekz and his warriors traveled to meet with a Warband of the World Eaters Legion. These devout followers of the Blood God live for sensless violence. I can't wait to see how this turns out."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Shut up! The Thousand Sons was a minor setback. I have a feeling that the World Eaters will suit me just fine. Simple warriors. No overly convoluted scheming. That's the ticket. Besides, they worship the Chaos God of War. If that won't be an asset, then I don't know what will."
Narrator:"Whatever you would like to tell yourself bub."
Rudi:"Just wait. You'll see. We are gonna conquer the galaxy with the World Eaters at our back."
Chet:"Boss, I kind of feel like the Narrator is right on this one."
Ulfrugamazekz:"Rudi, good spirit! Chet, be quiet or I'll take your head off!"
At the World Eaters' camp.
Ulgrugamazekz:"Hello my fine Berzerkers. I have come to make an alliance with you so that we may burn the stars together."
Berzerker:"And who are you to fight along side us!?"
Rudi:"Hey, wait a second. Don't I know you? You're Supahbadmarine! What are you doing here?"
Supahbadmarine:"When you guys left I got pissed and converted to Khorne. Can we get on with this?"
Chet:"Hold on for a second. Do these guys know that your a Psy-"
Supahbadmarine:"SHHHHH! They don't need to know about something like that!"
Ulgrugamazekz can't help but notice that Supah and the other berzerkers seem a bit twitchy.
Ulgrugamazekz:"Hey, are you guys alright? You all seem a bit fidgety."
Supahbadmarine:"W- we're alright. We just haven't killed anything for three..... Whole.... Minutes...... Ugh! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!!!!!"
Supah and the Berzerkers go into a furry of bloodlust and carnage, killing many of Ulgrugamazekz's men and each other. One Berzerker bites off Chet's left arm.
Ulgrubamazekz:"Oh my Gods!! RUUUUUUUN!"
Narrator:"So it was that Ulgrugamazekz and his men did run and...... Wait a minute. What about Supah? If he dies this whole thing goes down the toilet."
Supahbadmarine:"No worries. I'm fine. I have burned off all that excess anger, and will now return to serving Tzeentch."
Narrator:"But what about all those Berzerkers?"
Supahbadmarine:"Dead. People don't tend to last long when I actually get angry."
Narrator:"So what now?"
Supahbadmarine:"I go back to manipulating those fools on that site i contribute on. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Supah walks away.
Chapter 3:Death Guard
Narrator:"So as I was saying, Ulgrugamazekz and his men did run like the wimps that they are. Fleeing like a bunch of big, pink fairy princesses. Why, they practically skipped away as they_"
Ulgrugamazekz:"Enough! It was nothing like that. It was a perfectly manly retreat, so don't you go trying ruin my reputation, you stupid disembodied voice!"
Narrator:"I'm sorry, but did you actually say that I was ruining your rep? What reputation is there for me to ruin?"
Ulgrugamazekz:"I swear I will find you and kill you!"
Narrator:"You can't kill me. I am an entity that exists outside the storyline, you twit."
Chet:"Uuuuuugh. Boss... They bit off my arm! It hurts so much, and the bleeding won't stop."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Stop whining! We'll get you a Bionic arm or something, you big baby. And you, mister Narrator. Stop embelishing and do your job!"
Narrator:"Sigh.... Fine. Having failed at recruiting the brutal World Eaters, Ulgrugamazekz took his Warband in search of aid elsewhere. Hopefully aid that would not degenerate into mindless, random slaughter. With these hopes in mind Ulgrugamazekz turned his gaze on the favoured sons of the Plague Father. The Death Guard."
At the Death Guard camp.
Plague Marine 1:"So, you have come to bring ruin to all with us?"
Ulgrugamazekz:"Yes. We can both benefit from an..... An...."
Ulgrugamazekz stands there, unable to take his eyes away from the intestines hanging from the Plague Marine's gut.
Ulgrugamazekz:"Uuuuuugh. Do you perhaps have a a bathroom that I could use?"
Plague Marine 1:"No bathroom, but we do have a filth pit over there that you can use."
Ulgrugamazekz rushes over to the filth pit. Puking sounds can be heard, then stop. Then they start again as Ulgrugamazekz makes the mistake of actually looking into the filth pit. Ulgrugamazekz then comes back over.
Ulgrugamazekza:"Thank you for your patience. Now lets get back to...... Why are your intestines moving?"
Plague Marine 1:"Oh don't mind that. It's just the maggots."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Oh maggots! Urk! Excuse me."
Ulgrugamazekz rushes back over to the filth pit.
Chet:"Hey rotty! Check out my shiny new Bionic arm!"
Plague marine 2:"It is indeed impressive."
Plague marine 2:"However that means nothing. It may be shiny and well funtioning now, but give it time. Eventually it will lose that shine. It will rust, and it's parts will grind together as if you had Arthritis. Furthermore all things that you create will eventually be destroyed. Every edifice will crumble, all life will wither. All is pointless. The only absolute in the universe is ruin and despair."
Chet:"Aww. Now I feel sad, and that makes me feel hungry. Do you got any grub?"
Plague Marine 2:"Sure. Right over here."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Okay, i'm back and ready to...."
Ugruagamazekz:"Chet! What do you think you are doing?! That is Death Guard food! You don't know where it's been. Besides how can you have the stomach to eat in front of....... such a fine group of gentlemen?"
Plague Marine 1:"It's okay. We here at the Death Guard know that sharing is important."
Chet:"Yeah, besides people can eat anything if they haven't had any food for three weeks!"
Rudi:"Thats not fair Chet! Times have just been lean, that's all. Once we start conquering people we will have plenty of food."
Chet:'Yeah? well for the time being I'll take food where I can get it."
Ulgrugamazekz:"You are going to regret that Chet. Anyway, on further consideration, I believe that we are not ready for a team up with you fine men at this time. Thank you for your consideration. (Ugh, my stomach!)"
Narrator:"And so Ulgrugamazekz gave up on joining with the Death Guard on account of them totally grossing him out. He and his men left to find the next potential ally. As it turned out, Chet caught Nurgle's Food Poisoning from the grub he ate, and puked out his own stomach. They were forced to find a Bionic stomach as a replacement."
Chapter 4:Emperor's Children
Narrator:"With his plans to make allies of the Death Guard gone awry, Ulgrugamazekz sought to find better and less sickening friends. Friends that would not make him puke, rip him to shreds or try to make him into a pawn even though he is already a tool. So he sought the depraved followers of Slaanesh, the Emperor's Children!"
Ulgrugamazekz:"Hey smartass! You do realize that we can hear everything that you are saying."
Narrator:"Is that supposed to mean something?"
Ulgrugamazekz:"Yes. It means that when you call me a tool, I hear it! I am keeping track of every putdown you throw at me, and someday I will repay you for them!"
Chet:"Boss he is a disembodied voice. How are you going to get him? It's useless."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Shut up! I know, but does he need to know you moron!"
Narrator:"You think I didn't know? Please don't compare my intelligence to yours. Frankly I find it cute that you think you can intimidate me."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Shoosh! We're here. Go back into whatever void you live in while we do business!"
Narrator:"Fine! It's not like I enjoy spending time with you anyways."
Noise Marine 1:'Hehehe. So your Ulgrugamazekz? We understand that you want to sample the delectable nectar that is carnage with us. Let us negotiate. Your men can go sample the many pleasures of our camp while we talk."
Ulgrugamazekz:"You heard him boys. Go dance around, or whatever it is you minions do for fun."
Rudi and Chet walk off into the Emperor's Children camp.
Ulgrugamazekz:"Now then! I am interested in forming a group with you guys, but I am worried that all I'm gonna get is a bunch of hedonists. So what can you guys actually do?"
Noise Marine 1:"What the Hell, we haven't done anything fun for a couple of hours anyways. Hit it boys!"
At that command every Noise Marine in the vicinity discharged their weapons at random targets, creating a cacophony of destruction that was impressive to behold.
Noise Marine 1:"Whoohoo! Wasn't that glorious!? It's even better when you aim it at something fleshy."
Noise Marine 1:"I said isn't that glorious."
Ulgrugamazekz:"WHAT?! I CAN SEE YOUR MOUTH MOVING, BUT I CAN'T HEAR ANY SOUND!"
Noise Marine 1:"Oh my. Guys I think he's deaf."
Ulgrugamazekz:"I THINK I MIGHT BE DEAF! I'M NOT SURE, BUT I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE SONIC WEAPONS!"
Narrator:"At that time Rudi was having a very different experience."
Rudi:"What are all these syringes for?"
Noise Marine 2:"Those are for stimulants. They give you energy, increase your aggression and make the act of killing just... magical. Here try some."
Before Rudi could say anything the Noise Marine picked up a shot of stimulants, and injected it into Rudi's arm.
Rudi:"Hey! Don't do that without asking first! Besides, I don't think it worked. I feel the same as always. Wait! I am starting to feel something... I-I think that I...... I.... I'm totally FREAKING OUT!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!"
At this point Rudi began to run in circles, screaming wildly. The Noise Marine shook his head dismissively, taking three shots of stimulants.
Noise Marine 2:"Hmph! Feather-weight!"
Back with Ulgurgamazekz.
Noise Marine 1:"There! Now you should be able to hear a little."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Thank you. Warn me next time you're going to do that!"
Noise Marine 1:"Sure thing. Furthermore I was thinki-"
Rudi runs up, and stabs the Noise Marine in the chest. The Noise Marine falls to the ground, groaning in ecstacy.
Noise marine 1:"Ooooooooo. Death is awesome."
Ulgrugamazekz:'Okay, thats it! We're out of here. Keep your crazy shit away form me, and my men! Come on Rudi! Just take deep breaths. There you are Chet! Come on! We're leaving!"
Chet:"Yeaaaaah. About that. You guys go on ahead. I was talking with this hot Slaaneshi cultist, and I am pretty sure I'm going to score."
Ulrugamazekz:"Are you out of your mind? First of all do know for sure that it was a chick? A lot of these Slaanesh followers are hermaphrodite you know."
Chet:"Nah, I checked. She's all woman."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Good to hear. Now having said that, of course you are going to score with her. Slaaneshi women are the biggest sluts in the galaxy, as are the men for that matter. You could score with her even if you were a... ugh... Plague Marine. Speaking of which you had better also watch out because Nurgle has been breaking into the STD business lately to screw with Slaanesh."
Chet:"Thanks for the lecture, dad, but I think I'll take my chances. Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?"
Narrator:"And so Ulgrugamazekz left the Emperor's Children, but not before Chet contracted a case of Mega-Herpes."
Chapter 5:Word Bearers
Narrator:"With his failure to recruit the four previous Legions Ulgrugamazekz came to a startling realization. Those that follow just one of the Chaos Gods are unstable on an intolerable level."
Ulgrugamazekz:"You said it buddy! I know that we Chaos Marines aren't supoosed to be sane, but there is a limit, you know? That is why I have decided to turn my attentions to those Legions who are Undivided, and thus not completely off their rockers."
Narrator:"Yes well, with your track record it won't matter how sane they are."
Rudi:"You take that back! We just haven't found the right allies just yet. Once we do we will be unstoppable!"
Narrator:"Sure. You, your boss and Mr. Massive Cold Sores over their are going to conquer the whole galaxy. Just as soon as Orks get civilized, and start breaking for tea."
Chet:"Shut up! It's bad enough that I am suffering from a Nurglish STD. I don't need a sarcastic narrator busting my balls as well."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Everybody just shut up, and lets get back to business!"
Narrator:"Yes, yes. Of course. Now where was I? Oh yes! After a long period of negotiation Ulgrugamazekz the Almighty managed to forge an alliance with the Word Bearers, the most devout and dedicated of all the followers of Chaos. Ulgrugamazekz now prepares to strike at an Imperial stronghold with his new allies."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Wow! we finally have some allies to fight with. This is going to be awesome!"
Rudi:"Yeah. I am really digging all the Daemons and junk. It just feels so..... Diabolical! This is going to be great!"
Dark Apostle:"I am glad that you are pleased with this union. Now, it is time we get things underway."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Right! Prepare to attack guys!"
Dark Apostle:"Wait! We can not start yet. First we must complete the ritual for honoring the True Gods, and asking for their favor in battle."
Chet:"For real? Do we really have to?"
Dark Apostle:"We can not hope to win this battle without pleasing the gods first. Now everybody bend your knees in prayer. I will begin the rites."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Alright. Everybody do what he says. We don't want to risk offending our new ally."
Narrator:"A while later."
Dark Apostle:"....And he will come down and walk among the men, separating the believers from the infidels. With his coming the bells shall toll, signalling the end of days, and the time of redemption. He shall-"
Ulgrugamazekz:"Hold on for a minute!"
Dark Apostle:"Brother Ulgrugamazekz, why do you interrupt the ritual? We can not begin until it is finished."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Look, I can deal with your extreme faith. After all we are all merely servants to the gods. This whole religious fury thing is great too. Having said that, can we please get things started? This is beginning to drag on a bit."
Word Bearer:"Blasphemy! If we do not complete the ritual the gods will not grant us victory!"
Dark Apostle:"He is right. Have some patience. Battle will soon be upon us."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Thats great and all, but...... We have been praying for SIX DAYS! The enemy fortress is right over there. Can't we just go destroy it? I am sure the gods won't mind."
Dark Apostle:"Absolutely not! The ritual most be completed!"
Chet:"Ugh! Will you all shut up! My Mega-Herpes is flaring up! It hurts so bad. Grrrrr! I hate Nurgle, damn it!"
Word Bearer:"Heretic! You dare disrespect one of the Gods?! Dark Apostle, we must punish him for his blasphemy!"
Dark Apostle:"Indeed. We will begin the ritual to disembowel him after we have completed the ritual to begin battle."
Ulgrugamazekz:"How much longer is it anyways?"
Dark Apostle:"It is mostly over. Just four more days and we can begin the attack."
Ulgrugamazekz:"FOUR DAYS?! Screw it! We're out of here."
Dark Apostle:"Once we have completed all of the proper rituals you will be sorry!"
Ulgrugamazekz:"Sure, whatever. You just do whatever it is you guys do. See ya!"
Narrator:"With his patients at it's limit, Ulgrugamazekz left the company of the Word Bearers seeking better allies. In this narrator's personal opinion that was the closest he'll ever get to actually accomplishing something."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Shut your trap!"
Chapter 6:Iron Warriors
Narrator:"With the overly zeolous Word Bearers proving to be poor allies, and with their wrath approaching veeeeeery slowly, Ulgrugamazekz felt the need to find new allies. Ones that were more practical. Ones that were more grounded, and could lay a serious hurting on his enemies in his stead. He needed the Iron Warriors!"
Ulgrugamazekz:"Will you shut up. I don't need someone to fight my battles for me. I just need..... Minions! Minions to take some fire so that I can reserve my elite troops for more important actions.
Narrator:"If that were the case then you would have already been pillaging by now. Actual Chaos Lords don't go running around looking for someone to hold their hands. Actual Chaos Lords go around crushing other Warbands, and forcing them to fight for them, because that is what Actual Chaos Lords are like. Did you note my emphasis on the word Actual?"
Ulgrugamazekz:"For your information I have quite a few accomplishments on my hands. We're just not going to go into any of them right now because we don't have time to go over such a monumen-"
Narrator:"Yeah, yeah , yeah. Can we please get on with the story? I don't need to see a slideshow of your failures. I imagine that I have seen what your chronicles look like in general."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Fine! I was tired of talking to you anyway! get on with the story! I imagine this is where I make my comeback."
Narrator:"Suuuuuure. Anyway after many months of negotiations Ulgrugamazekz managed to make an alliance with a Warsmith of the stalwart Iron Warriors. It was not long until Ulgrugamazekz took to the battlefield with his new allies. Time to get the popcorn!"
Behind Iron Warrior lines.
Ulgrugamazekz:"Hey Warsmith! I need to talk to you!"
Warsmith:"Huh? Whadya want? Can't you see I am busy with the seige?"
Ulgrugamazekz:"I am here about that! We have been sitting around here for days! When you said we were going to attack an Imperial fortress I thought that we would see some blood, but instead we been sitting around on our thumbs, shooting the big guns. Even worse, you have my men doing menial labor! This is unacceptable!"
Warsmith:"Stop your griping! This is a seige. It is supposed to take a while. It isn't actually taking that long anyway. We are well ahead of schedule considering how fortified this place was."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Really? So how much longer before we breach their defences?"
Warsmith:"I give it another three weeks."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Three weeks?! You want me to wait that long? If I wanted to stand around doing nothing for a while before actually getting into a fight then I would have stuck with the Word Bearers."
Warsmith:"Stop complaining! There is no way to make this go any faster. Besides I have decided that we'll send your men through first when we breach the perimeter."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Really? You would let me and my men have the honor? What brought this decision on?"
Warsmith:"Well you said you were looking for glory, and me and my guys really don't mind you guys going in and dying first. Frankly we have been looking for some meat shields recently."
Ulgrugamazekz:"What?! I am not here to have my men killed so yours don't have to. At least let my men do some of the more important stuff."
Rudi:"Yeah, we can handle anything that you guys need us to do!"
Iron Warrior 1:"Like what? You guys didn't come with any tanks or artillary, and we sure as Hell ain't letting you work ours. This aint an infantry fight yet. All you guys are good for is labor."
Ulgrugamazekz:"That is just insulting! I demand that yo-"
Chet:"Hold on there boss. Let me talk to them. These are my people."
Ulgrugamazekz:"Huh? What do you have in common with the Iron Warriors?"
Chet:"We are cyborgs."
Ulgrugamazekz:"I don't know. I don't think that will do you much good."
Chet:"Just stay out of my way, and watch me work. Hey buddy! Check out my sweet Bionics!"
Iron Warrior 2:"Not bad. What do they do?"
Chet:"Do? Well, uh, they....... They move. So uh, what do yours do?"
Iron Warrior 2:"My Bionic arm has a built in Chainblade, Plasma Pistol, Flamer, Missile Luancher and back scratcher. My leg has jets for flying, and another Chainblade. My bionic teath can chew anything, dispense toothpaste and comes with a built in toothbrush with autobrush function. My Bionic eye can has telescopic vision, a HUD and can see the entire electromagnetic spectrum. My brain implants allow me to think at an accelerated rate, communicate over the Vox Network and I also get TV streamed into my brain. I am watching Doctor Who as we speak.
Iron Warrior 1:" What are you talking about? He has the cheepest configuration available. Speaking of which, how can you live with that outdated crap? I would rather be all flesh than be seen in public with that scrap metal."
Chet:"Oh! ... Well... that is... Don't think of yourself as being all high and mighty! It's the man that counts, not the metal. I'm twice the warrior you are, and I don't need any gimics neither!
Iron Warrior 1:"Is that right?"
Iron Warrior 1 punches Chet square in the jaw. Chet goes down like a sack of hammers.
Warsmith:"Ha! I knew that you guys were a bunch of wimps. Anyway, besides that I have to ask you something."
Warsmith:"What the hell is with all the horns, and claws and tentacle things?"
Rudi:"What? You mean these? These are our mutations. All Chaos followers get them. Don't you?"
Iron Warrior 2:"Well yeah, but we never keep them. They're so ugly and inefficient. We amputate mutated limbs, and replace then with good, proper Bionics."
Warsmith:"Exactly. Furthermore I can't keep looking at those nasty things. If you're going to roll with us then you need get rid of them, and get some Bionics like real men!"
Ulgrugamazekz:"Oh come on! I would hardly say that we need to go that far. Besides isn't it kind of innappropriate to do major surgery in the middle of a combat zone?"
Warsmith:"Surgery? Like I'm gonna waste a medic for something like this. You just hack off the limb, and then weld the Bionics on."
Ulgrugamazekz:"What?! Don't you think that is a bit crude? ... What the hell? I'll give it a go. Frankly I have fancied the idea of having an awesome Bionic arm with a clamp for my enemies. Break out the anesthesia!"
Warsmith:"Anesthesia?! What are ya, some kinda pussy? Heck, Harry is getting a new leg right now!"
A few feet away an Iron Warrior is sitting on a chair with his leg on a stump. As another Iron Warrior comes up with a Chainsword Harry lights a cigar.
Harry:"Hurry this up would ya! I've got a an appointment to have my armor polished later today."
Harry opens a newspaper as the the other Iron Warrior slowly saws his leg off.
Ulgrugamazekz:"Ugh... On second thought I'll keep my limbs. You got to love your body, you know?"
Warsmith:"If you want to stick around then you got to get a Bionic, and you're not using no anesthesia neither. Trust me. The experience will toughen you up, and you look like you need it. We'll have you shittin iron in no time!
The Warsmith steps forward with a Chainblade and a blow torch.
Ulgrugamazekz:"Uh, uh. Oh wait! I hear one of my people calling over there! I'd better go see what he wants, but when I get back we're going to do this thing! Hehehe. (Rudi! Grab Chet and round up the boys! There is no way I am going to let somebody saw my arm off while I'm still awake!)
Narrator:"And so our brave and mighty protagonist Ulgragamazekz, feeling that the battle was in good hands with the Iron Warriors, boldly ventured off to the next battlefield that needed his prodigious... Pffft! Hahahahaha! I can't do i-Hahahahahahaha! So Ulgrugamazekz missed maybe his last chance at decent allies because he was scared of a little pain. Hahahaha!"
Ulgrugamazekz:"Put a sock in it! Why don't you go back there, and have your limbs cut off?"
Narrator:"Oh, of course you're right. So which limb should I replace first? Oh wait! I don't have a body you buffoon!"
Ulgrugamazekz:"That's why you should just shut up."