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Douchard Bagge/Quotes

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This article, Douchard Bagge/Quotes, was written by OvaltinePatrol. Please do not edit this article without their explicit permission.
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Are your ears burning? The Galaxy's least reverent Rogue Trader is probably talking about you right now.

Attributed to Bagge

James-in-Hairspray-james-marsden-4539844-960-536

"I'VE GOT OPINIONS!"

A

"Oh! Oh! A Terran plying the space lanes! That is adorable. Even that cruiser is adorable. Gee gosh willakers, imagine of all the cargo you can zip around with a beaut like that. Oh wait, I don't have to imagine it, there's like a hundred of those inside the Invariably Victorious In All Circumstances Forever."
—regarding Aidana Skota
"It's my pleasure to provide you with the tools you need to keep the barbarians from the gates of this lovely corner of the Imperium. Halcyon is right up there with Sybaris LXIX. Similarly, it'd be my pleasure to chaperon those lovely daughters of yours."
—Douchard Bagge to Alexander Buhoveckey
"Amerikons? They'll be wanting more of those Rascal Pattern individual transport modules. And insulin."
Douchard Bagge is happy to outfit the 54th Amerikon Regiment.

B

"Wow, the look in your eyes...It must burn your ass to take orders from mere mortal like myself, all cozy in the embrace of the Imperium despite any number of things I may have, allegedly done that make your crimes pale in comparison. That's alright, we don't have to like each other personally so long as our professional relationship isn't compromised. Speaking of our professional relationship, I'd like prospective buyers to see the utility of this bitchin' 'sword-launching gun' design we found, so here's what you're gonna do..."
Douchard Bagge communicating with Ignatius Earn of the Brutalizers.

C

"These patriots, these HEROES are replacing the SCUM of this galaxy with piles of molten lead and ashen craters, and I intend to make certain they've got what they need to keep blasting and shelling until the heat death of the universe! For a modest surcharge."
Douchard Bagge regarding Crusher's Own.

D

E

"There's worlds where the culture is so stale and suppressed that you've actually got to smuggle in new riddles. We typically store them digitally on a crystal format, wrap them in a latex sheath and have Enigma smuggle them in internally. I know it sounds like a lot of trouble, but Operation Riddle Wrapped in an Enigma is hugely profitable."
Douchard Bagge
"Dead people have asked why I don't take anything seriously, the short answer is because some people are hogging all the pathos."
—Speaking circuitously about Erusar.

F

G

"Oh well done, really. You're not trying too hard, not at all. Seriously though, this. This is why Chaos will ultimately lose. Because it's just a sad cry for attention. 'Da Empawuh didna wub us enuff, Ima wock myself in my woom and cut my ahms wiff a wazuh bwade.'"
Douchard Bagge regarding the Gore Legion.

H

"Sultry nights, sultry ladies and a people who respect the Barstar tradition of making it rain. Truly in the top hundred: A plus plus, would visit again."
—Regarding planet Halcyon

I

"Pack of skinflint bores, they never want any of the more exotic death-dealers I have on offer. Well fine, I'm sure there's other parties interested in these bowel liquefying sonic cannons and the typhoid grenades."
Douchard Bagge finds outfitting the Iron Angels to be boring.

J

K

"What the hell was I saying about the Kabal of the Broken Mind? Yeah never mind those guys. Here, here it is: the laziest kabal name in the galaxy ."
Douchard Bagge regarding the Kabal of Merciless Torture.
"I'm-a let you in on a little secret: she uses a silicon aerosol to squeeze into those super-tight outfits."
Douchard Bagge regarding Kiman Morgan.

L

M

"See, if I were Mallik I wouldn't have gotten captured by Dark Eldar. That was his first mistake. Pretty obvious really, I don't know why people let that happen."
—The ever insensitive Douchard Bagge has trouble pronouncing Maalik Tenin's name.
"Milk's insecurity is surpassed only by her passive-aggressiveness."
Douchard Bagge has embraced his difficulty pronouncing Maalik Tenin's name.
"Hey what's the difference between a Champion of Khorne and a Matador? The Khorne worshipers think it's beneath the dignity of a warrior to kill noncombatants in ground combat! Heyo!"
Douchard Bagge
"Good help is hard to find; so when you do find it, you invest in it's well being."
Douchard Bagge regarding Mord Bösewicht von Totenkinder.

N

"I bet you thought you could catch the ol' Bagge unawares huh? Maybe you'd like to meet my special security consultants: the ever-snazzy Nemiraian Guard. You are about to get shot so hard you will shit guns."
Douchard Bagge taunts some assassins before they're turned into greasy smears.

O

P

"Like many, I've never seen him and I probably never will. I mean the chances are pretty remote. It's a big galaxy, lots of stars and such. I mean when you think about it, the chances of meeting anyone at all are pretty staggering. Lots of empty space. Yup."
Douchard Bagge is unnerved by stories of The Plague Doctor.

Q

R

"Woah, woah, hold up. You don't want to sample those 'rations', they're bound for the Red Hands. 'Long Pig' is a taste best not acquired."
Douchard Bagge.
"It's my fifteenth greatest fear realized: someone managed to steal one of my bowel movements and turn it into another trading dynasty."
Douchard Bagge regarding Radriar Drazin.
"By the Emperor, did you hear her diction? Such an obvious Pavlonian torture-job. It's sad what the nouveau riche do to their children just to fit in with their betters."
Douchard Bagge regarding Rosalie Drasus.

S

"The only thing between me and that sweet, sweet heretek loot is the Dajakkoffs elite plasma sponges."
Douchard Bagge would like it if horrible things happened to The Shadow Guards.
"What! No, of course I've never employed the awesome force of mechanized destruction known as Sigma XI and had it destroy my enemies in majestic ways. That would be treason!"
Douchard Bagge denies involvement with Sigma XI.
"I feel for these noble heroes. Everybody loves to hate a winner. It's chapters of marines like these that are the true tiger-force at the heart of the Imperium, and if they have to step on the toes of some jealous, mouth breathing chapters then so be it."
Douchard Bagge admires the Solar Legion.
"No wonder they went renegade, looks like they ignored the section in the Codex about appropriate portion sizes. I didn't even know they made power armor to accommodate that kind of girth."
Douchard Bagge regarding the Sons of Theutonus
"Jackoff Mordechai is really insufferable, check out the caption of this pict where he's puffing his ridiculous ape chest out. 'No Xeno or Demon...' what a load of horse hockey! What does he think the rest of us are doing out here?"
—Douchard Bagge is not a fan of the Storm Zealots Chapter Master.

T

"I've overheard some of the crew debating on whether Thadeus Chrome was more intimidating than Claudius Firefox. I'm just happy to not have encountered either of them in all my days as an Explorer."
Douchard Bagge on Thadeus Chrome, Champion of Chaos.
"No wonder they went renegade, looks like they ignored the section in the Codex about appropriate portion sizes. I didn't even know they made power armor to accommodate that kind of girth."
Douchard Bagge on the True Sons of Theutonus

U

V

W

X

Y

Z

Regarding Douchard Bagge

A

"His ship - and I use the term loosely - is an accurate reflection of his character; twisted garbage. "
—Aidana Skota being snooty[src]
"A fine hunting partner with a an immense capacity for forgiveness. Even after the time I mistook him for an Ambull and my palace guards accidentally shot him, he always bears it with a smile."
Alexander Buhoveckey
"I ask myself if it's really smart to insult your customers, then I remember; hey, it's Bagge!"
—Colonel Oman, 54th Amerikon Regiment
"Solomon hates his guts of course but I have no problem with Bagge myself. It's the good men you have to watch out for"
—St. Athaliah Kane being cynical[src]
"I fail to see what the fuss is about this "Bagge". His foul deviance from the Imperial Creed will not be tolerated however."
Ahtar Delcon
"He keeps trying and one of these days I'm gonna let him succeed. I don't get laid nearly enough."
—St. Athaliah the Flame[src]
"Ahhh yes... I cant wait to make you my twisted horror. "
—Kel'thuzad

B

DBStatue

The stolen statue.

"...boring bastard. Only reason i stole that damn 20 meter gold statue of himself was to see what kind of tricks he'd pull to see me dead."
Berheven Jirlis
"Ah! Derez me faverit trada! So what kinda dakka ya got fer us dis time Dooshurd? Deffblastaz? Dakkagunz? No! No! Don't tell me! I likez ta be surprized."
—Masta Blasta Face'Eata Blacktoof, Warlord of the Blackteef Tribe
"A worthless, weak-minded specimen of the human animal... However, this snobbish vermin is the most valuable asset our Chapter has, if so much as a hair on his pea-brained head is harmed I will have you fleshed and dumped into a pool of Catchan Razorfish. "
—Unknown Brutalizer to a group of Scouts assigned to guard Douchard [src]

C

"The Target is Douchard Bagge, eliminate him and I will reward you appropriately. Fail and i will make you wish you had never heard my name."
Cecile Crowley
"The way he objectified her was revolting. I could see it in his eyes that he wanted her for himself. To satiate his deepest depraved desires. The filthy cur. I'll have his head on a plate if he dares to treat her like that again."
—Cordell Sorjik Vlachen talking about his legendary sword.
"Anybody who gets me a hand-held missile launcher for a reasonable price is okay in my book!"
—Col. Rutger Quarrey, Crusher's Own[src]

D

"There's something about this guy that I like. Dammed if I know what, but something."
—Roi Dakaur[src]
"Arrogance knows no limits it seems, however I must say the sheer amount of exotic wares he possesses is enough to hold my gaze for more than a few seconds..."
Dahlia Valance on Douchard's extravagant and unique collection of items and weaponry.

E

"I want to murder him."
Elijah Morgan
"This "Rogue Trader" as the humans call him, has possibly been my most interesting quarry. I didn't think it was possible to have that many body doubles. Nice to know the galaxy still has a few surprises left."
Enigma

F

"An honest servant of the Imperium if I ever saw one."
Florianus Buhoveckey

G

"My Dear Douchard; So very sorry about that incident with your transport ship but these things will happen in a warzone. Will ship the surviving crew back to you soonest - too bad the cargo was a total loss."
—Gironda Bossa-Doria, Grand Admiral of Serenissa[src]
"Dear Mister Bagge, it has come to my attention that you have come into the possession of a very large stockpile of the drug Polymorphine. My subordinates and I are willing to pay whatever price you deem necessary in order to take that Polymorphine off your hands. If you agree to this deal, then please deliver the Polymorphine stockpile to the coordinates below, and you will receive your payment in full. Your cooperation is most appreciated."
Greyon Autaris in an anonymous message to Bagge.

H

"He's awfully cute, and I just love his collection of weapons."
—Helenia Bossa[src]
"I don't like the way he never meets my eye."
—Col. Mattie Stoengerd, Hell's Belles[src]

I

"If only my nearest and dearest would put a pretty price on his head?"
Rosalie Drasus
"I was never aware that Rogue Traders were expanding into children's comedy."
—Ironkeeper Epistolary Erues Gauvis of the Iron Scorpions Chapter

J

"I once killed one of his body doubles hoping he was the real Bagge. Needless to say I'm not on good terms with that rat bastard now."
—Lady Inquisitor Jacki Vulsen
"Though Inquisitor von Totenkinder insists that Lord Bagge is...'Clean'... and the Trader himself has been... obnoxiously forthcoming, I still wish to investigate the rumors of his dealings with Dark Eldar."
—Inquisitor Jorden Moris, Ordo Xenos
"Ah, Douchard. A fine specimen, although his Kninnocx VII trading fiasco no doubt cut his immortal trade empire in half. There's a good reason why I prefer to keep the "rouge trader" out of Professional Travelling Businessmen"
Joerdon Marverike
"This trader is sly and a complete wanker. Possibly a heretic."
—Junius Fabianus

K

"I find this man amusing, which is lucky for him, otherwise he would already be dead"
Kyros Valcoran, Headhunter of the Star Reapers

L

"I am almost certain that he acquired that ridiculous flagship of his in order to compensate for a very slight inadequacy."
—Lorenzo Drasus

M

"My name is Maalik, not "Mallik". Dumbass."
Maalik Tenin
"A bit of an arriviste with all the usual insecurities - but also an admirable sense of proportion. Probably the only admirable thing about him."
—Lord Inquisitor Malleus Skotus
"Dear Dou; Just got your latest catalog. Everything looks so good! I could spend a planetary tithe or two on the party favors alone."
—Memmius Bossus[src]
"I realized that it's all bullshit on my own, but Douchard helped me understand that it doesn't mean I have to wallow in it."
Mord Bösewicht von Totenkinder
"Who?"
—Shas'O Me'tsu'shan[src]

N

O

"If I may say, it is not your cruelty and lack of morals that offends me the most. No, truly, it is your carelessness and lack of sympathy for your fellow man. Trust is the lifeblood of all manner of interaction and yet you persist in trusting no one but your own wealth and your own ideas of what you own. You think you deserve to own men, women, buildings, land. But I don't even think you deserve to own that which is purest. Your soul"
Oregano Calavante's prepared speech to Douchard after a few days of enslavement
"If I may sa- OW! FUCK! OKAY, STOP HITTING ME! FUCK, ALRIGHT, I'LL GET IN MY DAMN CAGE, sheesh."
—What Oregano Calavante actually said.

P

"A fair trader and as a side plus she shares my dislike of that arrogant narcissistic blighter Douchard Bagge"
Peter McRaven shares Aidana Skota's dislike of Douchard.
"I'd have him shot on sight if he wasn't more regular in his deliveries than the Munitorum, and with much less paperwork."
—Lord General Petrus Lucius Bossus[src]

Q

R

"I haven't laughed that hard since I sold that Inquisitor our faulty Warp Drive""
Radriar Drazin after reading Douchard's "critique form"

S

"Oh yeah, Douchard Bagge, wasn't he the guy we got those Missile Launchers off? Bet he didn't expect them being used on Drop Pods."
—A Jumper of the 301st Sarcan Drop Regiment
"A devoted son of Holy Church with a fine line of munitions at reasonable prices. But he'd better stop sniffing around my little sister if he knows what's good for him."
—Cardinal Sebastion Bossus[src]
"If it isn't one of my most favorite Mon-Keighs, Douchard Bagge. It's so lovely to see you again. I'm so happy you could make it to my party, I've prepared a seat for you at my own table. But before we join the party, I want to take a stroll through my private "gallery" I have a few new additions I wish for you to see."
Silinurl Luvt

T

"His name is utterly ridiculous."
Troe Ler

U

V

W

"Wha... What? What in the name of the Dark gods is that? Warp take me is that actually what he leaves the house wearing? Good lord, I've met greater daemons of Slaanesh with less... extravagant, fashion sense."
Valkyura Warpschild, somewhat at a loss for words.

X

"Cannot say I'm a fan, not at all in fact. The Bagge family represents the worst of the Imperium, the corrupt, the egotistical, the greedy, the manipulative, the plotting, excess, lust, the immoral, but it must be said, such colossal will power and determination could accomplish great deeds, if backed by the power of the Dark Gods. Until then, they will find themselves limited to their rotting empire, maggots writhing in it's bloated belly, mind inept and strength rotting. "
Xaphon, chief historian and sorcerer of the Brethren of Spite discusses the Bagge family

Y

Z

"Douchard Bagge of the Bagge Dynasty born to Hand and Carta Bagge. I'm watching you, the minute I find out that you overstepped one of your boundaries. I'll have your death warrant signed and ready"
—Lord Inquisitor Zekavran

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