- "I live in the Xanatos-Yagami Tower on Superior Boulevard, Penthouse level. My name is Douchard Bagge. I'm (cough)dred years old. I believe in taking care of myself, and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do three thousand now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial masque which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion. Then my Juvie drugs, followed by some exotic Dark Eldar stuff that's probably distilled virgin souls or something. There is an idea of a Douchard Bagge. Some kind of abstraction. But there is also this incredible, sublime reality. And though I can't hide my smug expression, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours, and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable (not likely, I am richer than you are but let's pretend), I simply am not there. Because you're dealing with a body double. Or are you? Mind. Blown."
- —Douchard rambles.
Douchard Bagge is one of the most obnoxiously wealthy Rogue Traders to ply the space lanes of the galaxy. Among his better traits are his venality and snobbishness, though he is also avaricious as well; his covetousness is one of the few things that can rouse him from his lethargy. Despite his personality, he's resisted all the charms of Chaos because he considers every cultist he has ever seen to be "pants-on-head retarded", and has mistaken a number of attempts as come-ons which offend his homophobia.
The Bagge Dynasty made its incalculable fortune wringing out as much from the galaxy as their Warrant of Trade would allow, and then violating it as much as they could get away with. They've secured the existence of primitive xeno races to toil away in perpetual slavery, bombed Imperial settlements to access undiscovered or poorly exploited resources, and much more. As far as Douchard and his fellow Bagge's are concerned, everything in the galaxy either did, does, or will belong to them. Everyone else is considered to either be thieves or holding the Bagge's property in trust.
- "Get at my level."
- —Douchard Bagge
The Bagge Dynasty
The Bagges are an incredibly powerful consortium, formed when six holders of different Warrants of Trade intermarried, and then made extensive use of nepotism to get their non-Rogue Trader relatives set up with various intra-Imperial trade interests. They were able to operate without notice for sometime, and used their momentum and the snail pace of the Imperium's oversight to get other relatives in positions within the Adeptus Arbites and the navy. This set the stage for their ultimate coup; creating a false identity that has proven to be fool proof and vital to facilitating their crimes: Inquisitor Mord Bösewicht von Totenkinder of the Ordo Hereticus. Mord is an actual Inquisitor, but his blood relation to the Bagges has been thoroughly concealed through surgery, falsified records, and other means. Mord has been provided with all the life extension technology the Bagges can get, in order to perpetuate the ruse without having to repeat it.
The Bagge Dynasty has developed a presence in every Segmentum and has managed to secure a lot of business from irregular clientele by virtue of their extremely reliable supply lines and relative lack of bureaucracy compared to Imperial agencies such as the Departmento Munitorum. Some of their business practices include extensive, highly distributed warehousing and fleets of ships moving in real space that navigate around warp storms so as to minimize delays. They have other practices that other Rogue Traders are hard-pressed to match, such as their wide network of Xenos partners (including the occasional Kabal of The Skewering Feather war party using the Webway to drop off merchandise during a raid for the Bagge's to pick up.) and their plundered supply of Teleport Homers utilized on their primary routes. They also have a highly motivated work force: meritorious service is well rewarded, failure can lead to being sold to any number of aggressive Xeno species or being used for weapons testing.
Douchard was born to Lord Hand and Lady Carta Bagge in their primary palace on the Bagge-homeworld of Barstar. His parent's theory of child-rearing involved giving Douchard everything he wanted other than an actual parent-child relationship, and sending him off to live with tutors for nine-tenths of the year. His handlers were instructed to beat a slave child in Douchard's presence anytime Douchard acted out or misbehaved as a method of discipline. Naturally, this healthy lifestyle led to Douchard being very well adjusted. Douchard learned the noble arts of swordplay, pistol marksmanship, and empathy suppression; along with a battery of disciplines intended to make him the ideal head of the vast Bagge Rogue Trading Dynasty. However, Douchard was one of only many Bagge-children and in order to secure his legacy (his Father's Warrant of Trade) , he was compelled to assassinate or humiliate all his siblings, a feat he accomplished by the age of fifteen.
Upon reaching majority and completing his education, he was given a modest fleet (capable of performing Exterminatus in a pinch) and command of a single trade route. Applying advanced Bagge economic theories, Douchard reorganized the trade-route, enslaving every planet along the route and mercilessly plundering them for record profits. During the subsequent Inquisitorial investigation, when Douchard was questioned regarding his actions he said "Nah bro, that's doesn't sound like me."
He was able to redirect blame towards the Space Marine Chapter Sons of the Spiritual Liege, who were made to go on a penitent crusade.
His next Inquisitorial investigation came after he attempted to sell the Dark Angels on a new gland that would "Totally fix that gay gene problem." Mord Bösewicht von Totenkinder was dispatched to determine if Bagge did indeed have some manner of new Astartes-compatible glands and if so, find out where they came from. Douchard discovered the investigation and to their mutual surprise, successfully bought the Inquisitor who later reported that everything was just a big misunderstanding.
- Gladstone Bagge: Douchard's Great-Great-Great Grandfather, one of the prominent figures of Barstar who helped engineer the planet's peaceful surrender to the Imperium during the Macharian Crusade.
- Kelly Bagge: Douchard's Great-Great Grandmother.
- Sabretache Bagge: Douchard's Great Grandfather.
- Birkin Bagge: Douchard's Grandfather.
- Hand Bagge: Douchard's Father / Carta Bagge (née Sloane): Douchard's Mother
- Ducky (m), Mallory (f), Chip (m), Heathcliff (m), Serena (f), Caroline (f), Rupert (m): Douchard's siblings from oldest to youngest. Douchard himself was fourth born, after Chip.
- Veronica Bagge (née Van der Rohe): Douchard's wife. After securing their respective legacies, they agreed to an open relationship. This is one of the worst kept secrets on Barstar, neither of them care.
- Win (m), Tucker (m), Chrissy (f), Gillian (f), Alston (m): Douchard's adult children, in age order. Win, the presumptive heir is 72. Alston, the youngest, is 35. Like their parents, the Bagge children benefit from Juvie treatments.
- Numerous grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great grandchildren.
- Bagge Arms Inc.
- Bagge Annihilation Solutions (A wholly owned subsidiary of Bagge Arms Inc.)
- I Can't Believe It's Not Exterminatus!
- Bagge Annihilation Solutions (A wholly owned subsidiary of Bagge Arms Inc.)
- Bagge Battlespace Logistic Support
- Bagge Comitatus (Part of the Bagge Battlespace Logistic Support Family of Companies!)
- Bagge Fortress Supply Unlimited (Part of the Bagge Battlespace Logistic Support Family of Companies!)
- Bagge Aufwendige Todesfalle und Folter Ausrüstung GhmB
- Bagge Publishing (Latest Publication: Commissar Ripper's Epsilon Platoon, Vol. DCCCXC: Escape From The Blood Ocean And The Sharknado Apocalypse)
- Bagge Agritech
Personality & Motivations
- "Hey nice job, ten thousand years of syphilis and armored, sopping man-teats. You did not let our ancient monkey fore-bearers down, no sir."
- —Douchard just before he introduces a Plague Marine's face to superheated plasma.
Douchard is immodest, entitled, and generally contemptuous of everything. The only true value he places on his station and immense wealth is its ability to protect him from the innumerable hazards of the universe, and to allow him to do whatever he pleases. His raison d'être is to enjoy himself forever, and he finds causing anger and jealousy in other people to be hilarious. He is generally dismissive of the Imperial Cult and the human race's supposed manifest destiny. He is aware that there are many races that predate humanity and some that are in their infancy relative to humanity, and surely they all have their own idealized, self-image, prophecies, and so on; so Douchard assumes that the universe doesn't play favorites and it doesn't do any good to assume that any species' particular line of bullshit is correct. He reserves a special level of antipathy for the Ruinous Powers however, as he doesn't understand the appeal of being a sore covered, axe-murdering, pawn who can't enjoy any of life's simple pleasures.
Even though he is by most definitions a traitor and a heretic, he is loyal to the Imperium in his own way. While he routinely victimizes his fellow humans; in areas under the nominal control of the Bagge dynasty, he greatly invests in security and infrastructure and his connections with various Xeno species (especially the Dark Eldar and Blood Axe Orks) tends to keep their mainstream elements from raiding his territory. Furthermore, he fulfills the duties outlined in his warrant and pays his tithes quite reliably, it's only anything outside his contract that he weasels his way out of.
- "This? Oh this is nothing; just a Sorrentino-Pattern Power Sword, I mean only two people in the galaxy have them and the other one is named Warmaster Macaroth, but it's not a thing, you know?"
- —Douchard manages to namedrop while bragging about his ultra-exclusive sword, twofer!
Douchard is a capable warrior, though this is mostly due to his top-of-the line equipment (including purloined relics and outright xenotechnology), cybernetics, and combat drugs. He has hired out some of the best instructors available so he does actually know how to use every weapon in his arsenal.
Because he is so fabulously wealthy, Douchard has truly staggering military might at his disposal: fleets of ships, armored companies, well equipped troops, the works. He's not above employing xenos who are willing to barter their services, either.
Douchard is an avid collector of many things. His usual criteria for adding something to his collection is that it would either make people jealous, or get him in trouble with the authorities: Xeno antiquities, Chaos artifacts, Ecclesiastical relics, and live specimens of all sorts can be found in his secret galleries. One of his favorite objet d'art is ancient chalice of gold covered in diamonds said to have belonged to one "Small Johnathan," a deaf song-priest of a Pre-Slaanesh god of pleasure and wealth known as Krunk, carbon dating places it as being from hoary days before even the Dark Age of Technology.
His most prized possession is a space hulk which required countless thousands of lives to clear and secure. It has been renovated and outfitted to serve as the Bagge Dynasty's flagship. Though it was once known in obscure Imperial records as the Purgation of Innocence it was given the concise and tasteful appellation of Invariably Victorious In All Circumstances Forever by Douchard.
Douchard has a number of fanatically loyal body doubles, though rather than using them as decoys for assassins, he uses them to maintain the illusion of his being all throughout the shipping lanes and his "empire," at once. Placed throughout his fleet, his vassal captains can never be entirely certain if they're dealing with the genuine article.
As a matter of course Douchard wears a pair of digi-weapons, one on either hand and a ring that contains a Conversion Field (not at all unlike a Chaplain's Rosarius). A forewarned Douchard however, is a Douchard who is willing to employ the full spectrum of exotic technology at his disposal. One deceased rival's last sight was of the Rogue Trader "flapping about in a Yeld's ensemble, waving a Mirror Sword and Pulse Pistol around like some kind of an *******"
(Employees are listed under equipment because Douchard considers employees to be his property.)
- Brutus Sternn: A Battle Brother of the Brutalizers, Brutus drew the short straw. Now he's the liaison between his Chapter and the Bagges. Brutus isn't even his real first name, Douchard coined it to "remind him what chapter he's from," Brutus knows Douchard knows what Chapter he's from. He dreams of caving the Rogue Trader's face in every night.
- Horatio Innuendo: A former captain with the Imperial Navy, Horatio's grasp of three dimensional combat is profound and his tactics are innovative, which made him one of the most despised officers in the entire navy. When he was decommissioned, he was pursued by both Inquisitor Corinth Cordoba and Douchard, but the Rogue Trader proved victorious and made Horatio the XO of his flagship, Invariably Victorious In All Circumstances Forever.
- Leominster Ripburger: A bureaucrat who affected his own erasure from the ranks of the Adeptus Administratum and defected into the service of Douchard. He uses his intimate expertise with the Imperium's system of tithes to his employer's (and his own) ultimate benefit.
- Locke: One of Douchard's most valued employees, Locke is a mute, illiterate Pariah. Kept segregated from everyone else, he represents Douchard's best protection against psyker intrusion. He's also the sounding board for Douchard's ranting confessions of his many crimes, since he can neither repeat what he's been told or have his mind read. Douchard's considerately speaks for Locke during their "conversations," assigning him moronic lines with an idiotic voice.
- Mord Bösewicht von Totenkinder
- Onan Vaul: A Nemiraian Guardsman selected by the Syndicate to be Douchard's shadow and protect him at all times, his promotion to this position involved some lying to his employer. Douchard's favorite regiment is the 780th, but Onan was actually a fresh transfer from the 650th. Furthermore, Bagge had expressed that it was beneath his dignity to be guarded by anyone lower ranked than a Captain, so Onan was given a shiny new commission and bumped right up from Corporal. Nevertheless, he was ultimately selected because he was the best qualified.
- Punches O'houlihan: Almost nobody but Douchard and Mord ever see Punches, and that's because he's an Ork from the Blackteef Tribe. He doesn't really provide a service, Douchard just thought it would be cool to hang out with an Ork. Douchard named it himself!
- Yogananda Ba'hee Balamuralikrishna: Douchard's spiritual guide. He receives an enormous sum of Thrones every year to assure Douchard that he is perfectly compliant with the dictates of the Imperial Cult and the Emperor's will.
- "I really wish I could help you scour the Ghoul Stars on the vaguest hint of an elaborate conspiracy Inquisitor Vir, but Inquisitor von Totenkinder already enlisted my services to investigate the pleasure world of Sybaris LXIX. You know how it goes: first come, first served."
- —Douchard sidesteps a dangerous mission
- "Oh this is a great plan, you're going use your butler's shitty, undersized and obsolete fleet to lull them into a false sense of security before...what's that? Oh this IS the main fleet? Sorry, it just looks like a smaller version of the fleet I entrust to MY butler, I figured you were just punishing yours. Hey forget I said anything, I'm sure it'll be fine."
- —Douchard in a joint operation to secure some Imperial interest.
- "Look, that was a telepathic message sent by Astropath. I'm sure you've had...one; but I get them, all. The. Time."
- —Douchard doesn't like it when people address him while he's getting messages.
- This Party Took a Turn for the Douche is D. Bagge's theme song. Deal with it.