- "I live in the Xanatos-Yagami Tower on Superior Boulevard, Penthouse level. My name is Douchard Bagge. I'm (cough)dred years old. I believe in taking care of myself, and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do three thousand now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial masque which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion. Then my Juvie drugs, followed by some exotic Dark Eldar stuff that's probably distilled virgin souls or something. There is an idea of a Douchard Bagge. Some kind of abstraction. But there is also this incredible, sublime reality. And though I can't hide my smug expression, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours, and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable (not likely, I am richer than you are but let's pretend), I simply am not there. Because you're dealing with a body double. Or are you? Mind. Blown."
- —Douchard rambles.
Douchard Bagge is one of the most obnoxiously wealthy Rogue Traders to ply the space lanes of the galaxy in the 41st Millennium. Like seemingly everyone else in the galaxy, he is extremely well informed about events, individuals, and organizations.
Douchard cuts a classically handsome figure: tall and fit, with blond hair, blue eyes, and a dazzling smile. He is fastidiously clean and tidy, with perfectly coiffured hair, an unmarred complexion, and manicured nails. He's poured multiple fortunes into maintaining his youthful appearance as the decades roll on. He favors the bleeding edge of Barstar fashion, and consequently actually has a relatively small wardrobe at any given time as he doesn't bother to keep an outfit once he considers it passe.
Douchard Bagge was born on the planet Barstar, in the city-state of Ecko. He was raised in the high-stakes lifestyle to which the Bagge family was accustomed, and thus was immersed in business and politics from a young age. He had to jockey for position, engaging in intrigues against his numerous brothers and sisters in order to win the position of heir apparent to the Bagge Dynasty. Upon reaching the age of majority, he married an heiress from one of Barstar's so-called Twenty Families. The newlyweds spent a few years securing their respective legacies before agreeing to an open relationship, with the understanding that there were to be no "accidents" or cause to embarrass each other. Although a great-grandfather in the present day, he and his wife are only seen together at the requisite social and family engagements and otherwise live completely separate lives.
Relatively early in his career as the head of the Bagge dynasty (prior to the discovery of the Purgation of Innocence) Douchard was personally leading a trade mission when his vessel was attacked and boarded by an exotic ship identifying itself as the Cessation of Breath, crewed by zealots of dark purpose. These reavers sorely underestimated the quality of Douchard's security and were not only repelled, but chased back on to their own vessel. Within, Douchard discovered the insensate Mord Bösewicht von Totenkinder, attached to a bizarre machine that mixed human and unknown design aesthetics. Douchard's men were able to rescue the inquisitor, before the Cessation of Breath revealed a coterie of monstrous attendants that chased the counter-boarding party back onto their ship. Douchard personally helped nurse the Inquisitor back to health, finding the man extremely mentally pliable after his experience with what the Inquisitor dubbed a "Souljack." This led to an extremely advantageous relationship for Douchard who promised the Inquisitor would never have another such experience again, if only he could help Douchard "smooth things over," when necessary.
- "This? Oh this is nothing; just a Sorrentino-Pattern Power Sword, I mean only two people in the galaxy have them and the other one is named Warmaster Macaroth, but it's not a thing, you know?"
- —Douchard manages to namedrop while bragging about his ultra-exclusive sword, twofer!
Douchard uses the staggering profits of his galaxy-spanning business endeavors to collect. He collects antiquities, archeotech, armor, artwork, fauna, flora, real estate, weapons, xenotech, and anything else that catches his fancy. He also collects artifacts of Chaos when he can, whatever he cannot destroy he stashes in a hidden gallery where they can be locked within a stasis field.
For personal defense, he routinely wears a piece of Barstar archeotech known colloquially as a drysuit: a thin, temperature controlled bodysuit of a rubbery consistency. Its construction features adamantine strands woven by nanoassemblers many thousands of years ago. The drysuit is thin enough to be worn under regular clothing, and offers protection from extreme cold and heat, as well as attacks from ordinary knives, small caliber bullets, and the output of las pistols. He wears the Bagge Patriarchal Signet: a thick band of white gold with a curious signet for pressing seals (typically wax or lead), the signet was engraved with techniques effectively lost in the modern age which make the Bagge seal nigh-impossible to counterfeit. Perhaps just as important is the Jokaero fabricated refractor field generator housed within. If Douchard is expecting to enter combat, he can supplement with armor he finds appropriate to the occasion: whether its a suit of Artificer Power Armor, one of the specialized Spyrer combat rigs, or just about anything else.
Bagge's collection of rare and exotic weaponry is the envy of many aristocrats, officers, and Rogue Traders. He might be found wielding nearly anything man-portable. If he felt the need to bring arms that were as deadly as they were priceless, he'd likely take up Princeps Tenuem, a Sollex-Aegis Energy Blade and Final Word, a gilt Disintegration Pistol, both weapons hearkening back to the Dark Age of Technology.
- "Look, that was a telepathic message sent by Astropath. I'm sure you've had...one; but I get them all. The. Time."
Douchard is unfathomably greedy, obligingly venal, endlessly entitled, and gleefully antagonistic. He is arrogant to the point of self-parody, which may in fact be the point. He seems to hold everyone and everything in contempt. Anyone he interacts with outside his inner circle is subjected to some unpleasant persona that is usually designed to cause offense or lead the other party to underestimate Douchard. Despite his constant chafing and bucking towards Imperial authority, and his willingness to do business with all manner of unpleasant species of Xenos, Douchard absolutely despises Chaos. He never bothers to disguise his contempt for worshipers of Chaos, often regarding them as one might a wet dog mess.
His raison d'être is to enjoy himself forever, safe from consequence. He is skeptical of the Imperial Cult and humanity's supposed superiority, but he's no xenophile; rather, he regards all species of sapients as people, and most people are rubbish compared to him.
On Barstar, Bagge owns his family's countryside palace, a penthouse in an exclusive Ecko arcology, and a number of "pied-à-terre" penthouses in the other metropolises around the world. This is to say nothing of the numerous factories churning out consumer goods and the Dynasty's orbital shipyard. Throughout his centuries-long career, Bagge has found it advantageous to acquire additional homes on other Imperial worlds. He rarely makes use of these, and so routinely permits his friends or agents to make use of them.
- Bagge Agritech: The Bagge Dynasty owns entire agricultural worlds in some backwater systems, churning out millions of tons of food. Their specialty is a calorie dense, carbohydrate rich ration for soldiers in the field, available in thousands of flavors - some are more favored than others.
- Bagge Arms: Because Barstar is exempt from Imperial tithes, Douchard reaps enormous profits selling small arms and ammunition. Barstar fabricated autoguns and stub guns are machined to extremely high tolerances with superb polymer frames. Bagge's homeworld factories are prohibited from producing las weaponry, due to an old agreement with the Darlings, the traditional rulers of the planet. He sources las weaponry from factories on other worlds, often lacking Barstar's superior manufacturing processes. So while Bagge ballistic weaponry is highly prized by any PDF soldier or Imperial Guardsman lucky enough to get their hands on one, the las pistols and rifles are strictly standard fare.
- Bagge Aufwendige Todesfallen und Folter Ausrüstung GmbH: Douchard has a fondness for tricks and traps of all kinds, and started this fledgling company which can create and install deathtraps to order.
- Bagge Battlespace Solutions: The Bagge Dynasty is extremely nimble compared to the Departmento Munitorum. Assuming Bagge's fleets can service a given system, Imperial commanders are welcome to hire out BBS - who can keep an army moving with essential supplies, offering bulk rates on batteries, camp supplies, gasoline, medicine, rations, and other essentials. A natural consequence of supplying active war zones, Douchard employs a number of former smugglers who have "gone legit" to make sure the customer gets what they ordered in a timely fashion.
- Bagge Heavy Aerospace: The Bagge's orbital shipyard over Barstar predates the planet's incorporation into the Imperium. It primarily builds the different classes of transports common in the Merchant Fleet.
- Bagge Publishing: Because the Imperium's concept of intellectual property is apparently quite lax, Bagge Publishing has been able to flood civilized world with assorted media. Naturally, Bagge plays this quite safe with all of their offerings being firmly pro-Imperium. Especially popular is the series Commissar Ripper's Epsilon Platoon, currently on volume DCCCXC.
The flagship and nerve center of all of Bagge's enterprises is the infamous vessel Invariably Victorious In All Circumstances Forever. This titanic vessel is technically a Space Hulk, formerly known in some obscure archive as the Purgation of Innocence. Douchard employed a mercenary army over fifteen thousand strong to clear the hulk in a year-long campaign. Once it was cleared of cultists, genestealers, and mutants; Douchard initiated a multi-year process to sculpt the hulk into a more aesthetically pleasing shape. Furthermore, he had the interior completely renovated, creating a sane floor plan, wiring the hulk so that it functioned as a proper vessel. Its enormous size allowed him to mount a staggering arsenal and transport vast quantities of cargo or even entire armies.
Inordinately successful even among the eclectic ranks of Rogue Traders, Douchard owns a large number of Freighters, Haulers, and Merchantman ships and their attendant escort vessels which are contracted out to his franchisees. Coordinating and maintaining this large fleet forms the lion's share of his operating costs.
Main Article: Quotes
- Body Doubles: Many of Douchard's so-called franchisees have taken the additional step of undergoing surgical makeovers and extensive brainwashing to effectively become nigh-indistinguishable from Douchard Bagge himself. These once pitiful souls considered their paltry identities worth the sacrifice to live a life of adventure and luxury. Douchard uses these doubles to create the illusion of his omnipresence throughout the space lanes, and to throw off would-be assassins.
- Mord Bösewicht von Totenkinder: An Inquisitor who has been rattled after having his mind and soul flayed once too often, he was easy prey for Douchard who has provided him with a sufficient staff to make his job much easier. Although widely despised and distrusted by many Inquisitors, he has been able to help network Douchard with a number of highly placed individuals throughout the Imperium's government who have been assured of Douchard's loyalty and utility.
- Silinurl Luvt: Douchard's unlikeliest and most taboo business partner, this Dark Eldar Archon offers Douchard limited access to the Webway. With careful planning, Douchard can arrange for small quantities of cargo to be transported as an incidental part of one of Silinurl's raids. Douchard in turn, sells slaves and interesting artifacts to the Archon. The two sometimes meet socially, and exchange information.
Although he maintains a reputation for being nothing more than a disaffected dilettante, Douchard is actually one of the premier experts in galactic finance and market analysis. His organizational prowess and skill at handling logistics is capable of handling the affairs of the Bagge Dynasty, whose concerns span across the Imperium. Beyond his incomparable business acumen, Douchard's appetite for collecting arms and armor also compels him to seek instruction in their proper handling, so he is actually trained in marksmanship and swordplay.